captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to the daily show, my name is jon stewart. oh, the show tonight, it's going to be very nice. tenacious d will rock you tonight. (cheers and applause) >> jon: it's going to be incredible. but of course, the main story tonight, the supreme court's rule on the affordable care act, aka obamacare. yes, this morning all americans, indeed, all citizens of the world gathered together to see what our nation's highest court would say without con

seb difficults rule the day or liberals reign granting the government power to keep old people alive artificially so that we may harvest their organs. (laughter) that is exactly the question the courts faced. and then suddenly, at the exact time we had been told the day before the decision would be handed down, pandemonium! >> this is cnn's breaking news. >> jon: the race was on. which news organization would be the first to speak of the great decision. who would emerge from the chaos as today's grand champion of news firstiness! >> i want to bringing you the break nugs that according to procedure bill meers the individual mandate is not a valid exercise of the commerce clause. >> it would appear as if the supreme court justices have struck down the individual mandate, the center piece piece of the health care legislation. >> we have break news here on the fox news channel. the individual mandate has been ruled unconstitutional.

(laughter) >> jon: at 10:07 a.m. eastern daylight time in a photo finish response news, cnn by 8 seconds was the very first organization to report the unconstitutionality of obama's signature health care act. >> wow, that's a dramatic moment. >> jon: yes. (laughter) >> jon: yes. a moment of great drama. and like many of our greatest dramas, a work of complete fiction. (laughter) >> we're getting conflicting information. as we follow, go to-- which covers the high court. >> correct. >> they say that despite what shanon just read, that the individual mandate is surviving as a tax. >> jon: boom! fox news megan kelly catches the mistake not two minutes later by a blog. but cnn, oh, cnnpauvrecnn

they wept not one minute, not two minutes-- 7 full minutes of unconstitutional mandate hyperventilation. >> the court striking down that mandate is a dramatic blow for the policy and to the president. the justices have just gutted, wolf, the center piece provision of the obama health care law. >> it raises questions about any of the health-care reform law. >> the direct blow to the president of the united states, a direct blow to his democratic party. >> jon: yes, how will the administration recover. (laughter) after this incredibly public blow to their credibility. (laughter) i mean-- (cheers and applause) >> jon: the administration-- the administration staked their entire reputation on this important moment.

and now the administration is out there, the face of this giant [bleep] up. (laughter) sure wouldn't want to be the administration right now. (laughter) anything else you want to add cnn. >> we're getting widely different assessments of what the united states supreme court has decided. >> jon: yeah, widely different. there's what you have been saying. (laughter) and then there's what happened. (laughter) no sim pathry, cnn! you have been driving us nuts with [bleep] for months. oh, the ruling is going to come, it was like christmas morning for you guys. you were bugging everybody, what are we going to get, is it in there? can you tell me what it is, what is it, can i shake it. then you run downstairs and your parents are like slow down there, ace, we got all day but you can't [bleep] yourself, you can! (laughter) you see the present with

your name on it under the tree and you just can't-- i just going to -- -- huh? (laughter) you got me just red gunk and feathers and i'm like it was a parrot you [bleep]! (applause) i'm sorry mr. crackers. it's one of my earliest childhood memories. (cheers and applause) >> jon: that actually happened, no, settle down. well, by a 5-4 decision what actually happened was chief justice john roberts joined the liberal justices and wrote the majority opinion that the individual mandate deemed unconstitutional under the commerce clause but that didn't matter because the decision yun held the individual mandate as within congress's power to levy taxes. it was very confusing, unless you read obviously up to page four. how excited was the president?

well, he strolled down i killed bin laden lane to his-- (laughter) you heard me, i killed bin laden, mother [bleep], and addressed the nation. >> i know there will be a lot of discussion today about the politics of all this, about who won and who lost. but that discussion completely misses the point. >> jon: which is, that i won. (laughter) not that what matters is who won, but it was me. (laughter) so the real question tonight, how does it taste [bleep]? (cheers and applause) he was pretty excited. one small issue, one small issue, obama had in the past been very clear about what this individual mandate was not. >> for us to say that you have got to take a responsibility to get health insurance is absolutely not a tax increase. >> you reject that -- >> i absolutely reject that

notion. >> jon: of course you reject it. you have to have a re-election. but the supreme court using the precedent set in a landmark case of peeing on my leg vtelling me it's raining-- (laughter) is allowed to say what things actually are. the supreme court's wording did to the go unnoticed. >> a victory for the obama administration means a middle class tax increase and that's exactly what this is. >> this law is a tax. the bill was sold to the american people on a deception. >> it's a tax. >> it's a tax. >> it's a tax. >> it's a tax. >> tax. (laughter) (applause) >> jon: senator is rights, it's a tax. the real question is how does willford brimlington romney handle this new development. >> it's important for us to repeal and replace obamacare. what are some of the things that we'll keep in place.

we have to make sure that people who want to keep their current insurance will be able to do so. >> jon: sure, that's very important. oh, that's actually part of obamacare but go ahead. >> we also have to assure that we do our very best to help each state in their effort to assure that every american has access to affordable health care. >> jon: oh, that's a great idea-- oh, it's like its medicaid expansion that is in obamacare, okay, that's good. >> got to make sure that those people who have preexisting conditions know that they will be able to be insured. (laughter) >> jon: so are you going to keep everything but the mandate aka the thing that pays for all of it. so the fiscally responsible republican is saying don't worry, you are going to get all the goodies but not the bill. because that would be taxes. and that would be tyranny, except in massachusetts where it works and oh [bleep] it, just make me president, okay! i have been running for like 2,000 years, you know, this

isn't going to last forever, people. i got like six to eight more years of handsome. we do have full team coverage of the landmark decision, first to jason jones, standing by live at the supreme court. jason, thank you for being here. (cheers and applause) >> jon, i have the majority decision right here. and apparently-- the individual mandate i is-- unconstitutional, it's unconstitutional, the supreme court striking down the individual mandate, jon. >> jon: jason, did you just start reading the decision now? >> no, i got this at 10:15 this morning like everyone else. >> jon: you're still on the first page. >> i'm not the strongest reader. let's not make a federal case out of it, all right. >> jon: okay. >> jon, jon, i've got a correction. while obama's use of the commerce clause to enact the individual mandate is unconstitutional, it can be implemented under the federal government's tax and spending powers.

>> jon: yeah. >> only holy [bleep] it's a tax? >> jon: yeah. >> come on, i haven't gotten that far yet. >> jon. >> jon: samantha bee what is it, samantha bee. >> (cheers and applause) >> harry potter is dead. >> jon: i'm sorry. >> harry potter is dead, he's dead, god dammit, voldemort, you bald bastard! wait, hold on. >> jon: what happened. >> hold on just one second, hold on-- oh, i'm sorry, never mind, no. >> jon: thank you, jason jones, ♪[swing music plays] ♪[swing music plays]

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(cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome back. so health care is not the only life-and-death issue that has america deeply divided. >> 65% of americans believe president obama would do a better job of fending off alien invasion than would mitt romney. (laughter) >> jon: perhaps mr. romney does not want to fight his own kind. (laughter) but i believe a fictional scenario deserves a fictional president, quite frankly. and i believe that that frictional president is neither obama nor romney but herman cain. >> are you president of the united states of america.

earth is being attacked by aliens. look into that camera. and action. >> citizens of earth, it was the spirit of humanity that built this planet. it is that same spirit of humanity that would allow us to destroy the aliens. (applause) >> jon: that was awesome. (laughter) and mr. cain gave that speech off the top of his head. true. so when herman cain ended his presidential run an alien invasion was not 9 only moment of crisis we lost a chance to see him respond to. many, many others. they are the subject of a new series, a new series of john oliver's interviews, herman cain an american presidency. >> in october of 2011 herman cain lead the polls for the

republican presidential nomination. tragically america was denied a home in cain's presidency but recently i sat down with mr. cain for a series of conversations to explore some of the tough decisions we have faced in office. i present to you herman cain, an american presidency. tonight the constitution. >> i love the constitution as much as i love the united states of america. who would win in a fight between the constitution and the bible. >> hands down, the bible. >> the bible would beat the constitution. >> yes. no question, it wouldn't even be a contest. >> really, the constitution wouldn't even get in a couple of blows just by law of averages. >> no. >> would the bible know when to stop punching or would he have to pull it off. >> the bible would know when to stop. >> what would you be willing to do to defend the constitution, sir? >> i would be willing to use

my power as president to call our military into action if necessary. >> would you be prepared to kill for it, sir. >> yes, i would. >> the crisis. okay, sir. reports are coming in that nicholas cage has broken into the national archives and has stolen the constitution of the united states. look into that camera, and convince nicholas cage to give that constitution back. >> nicholas, bring back our constitution. i respect you, cage, but get a grip. i have instructed the united states military, the fbi, the cia to do everything in their power to bring that constitution back. >> okay, sir, i have an update. good news and bad news.

which do you want first. >> let's start with the good news. >> good news is you got him. congratulations, sir. >> we got him. >> dow want the bad news it? >> yes. >> he didn't have the constitution, sir. >> he didn't have it. >> he didn't have the constitution? >> no, he didn't have it. >> so you now have to address nicholas cage fans all over the world and explain to them why you killed their favorite actor, three, two, one, go. >> my bad. (laughter) >> next time on herman cain, an american presidency, a different crisis. >> america will not negotiate with moon nazis.

(cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight, a band whose new album is called rise of the phoenix. now to perform deette star starr from that album please welcome back to the program, tenacious d. (cheers and applause) >> we's like to dedicate

this strong so the survival of the human race. ♪ the world is freaking turning to poop ♪ ♪ the earth don't stand a chance ♪ ♪ hurricane typhoon will destroy the city ♪ ♪ we got to clean up the skies and recycle ♪ ♪ we got to stop the overpopulation ♪ ♪ but most of important of all ♪ ♪ we got to build a deth star starr, deth starr it's a rocket ship, we're building it, it's gonea take us up in the sky ♪ ♪ deth starr it's a son of a pitch y'all, it's gonea take to us outer space ♪ ♪ get your together, gonea

start a new human raise in the sky ♪ ♪ in the sky ♪ you know we'll be rock on the deth starr, total eclipse of the sky ♪ ♪ everybody going insane ♪ futuristic video game ♪ everybody have a good time ♪ ♪ synthesizing water to wine ♪ ♪ but how ♪ how? ♪ ♪ i hired a nerd ♪ i have to pay a nerd ♪ it's absurd but i paid him to build it because i don't know how build that ship ♪ ♪ there a vacuum in space ♪ it's going to suggest your face ♪ ♪ got to build that ship ♪ the deth starr ♪ we will be rock on the deth starr it will be democratic on the deth starr ♪ ♪ there will be lots of

boning on the starr ♪ ♪ having lots of sex with my friends ♪ ♪ dipping candle into rear ends ♪ ♪ boning on the virtual plane ♪ ♪ loving till i'm going insane ♪ ♪ we got to build nor starrs ♪ ♪ we got to spread out far ♪ seven strong ♪ we gots to bang a gong ♪ but baby hold up now ♪ there's something wrong ♪ there's fricking squid ♪ and ef inalien squid ♪ join up ships ♪ we got to let it rips we got to blow that into another dimension ♪ ♪ deth starr ♪ we got to build a hundred of em ♪ ♪ there there be lots of boning on the starr ♪ ♪ deth starr

♪ we got to build a million of them ♪ ♪ we're spread across the galaxy ♪ ♪ deth starr ♪ we must divide and conquer on the staer ♪ ♪ deth starrrr

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh

access.wgbh.org jses they're back. jack black, ten a sus d, let me ask you this, a lot of people at home are wondering, does it hurt to rock that hard? does it-- what do you physically feel when you recognize that hard. >> it can. it can hurt the finger tibbs and the delicate pipes. but you know, we're trying to save the human race. so-- it's a small price to pay. >> jon: sure, sure. has the squid problem been something you've been dealing with for a while? >> we've been killing it every night. >> i lose sleep over it every night, i think about the evil alien squid problem that could be out there. >> jon: from everybody, i say thank you. (laughter) thank you. rise of the phoenix is in stores now. tenacious d. you can go see them at the hammerstein ballroom. they are tonight and tomorrow night, hammerstein ballroom, great place to see a show. great place to see tenacious

d. they will play us out with throwdown. tenacious d! (cheers and applause) ♪ mosses came down from the hill ♪ ♪ holding the rules in his hand ♪ ♪ looked all around ♪ suddenly found ♪ no one was listening ♪ new it's time to throw down ♪ ♪ so throw down ♪ throw down ♪ throw down ♪ throw down ♪ jesus turned water to wine ♪ ♪ the star in the sky was a sign ♪ ♪ they called him a liar ♪ you're not the messiah